An important objective of mediation is to enable individuals to communicate with each other; in theory it is an easy thing to achieve.  Most of the individuals who agree to attend family mediation sessions know each other well and have had a joint intimate life often for some years.    However the ability to communicate can be lost for a varity of reasons, including: long working hours, having children, diverging interests, pressure from extended family members so on.

Once regular communications breakdown it is easy for misunderstandings and distrust to develop, and the ability to consider the common good lost to perceived self interests.  Separation and/or divorce is often the outcome.  To separate or divorce with the minumum of stress and distress requires the ability to communicate with each other, not easy when emotions are running high.  Mediation is then a very helpful option.

Agreeing to mediate requires the agreement and active participation of at least two individuals.  The fact that people are able to accept mediation to help them, is an important step forward.  The role of the mediator is initially to listen and understand each person’s position and their objectives for the mediation process.  The mediator then outlines the ground rules for the mediation process to which all parties to the mediation must agree.  A key factor is for all the participates to feel they are listened to and their perspective understood.  It can take time for individuals to feel confident that their voice will be heard and also for them to be prepared to listen and accept the other person’s point of view.

In my opinion it is crucial that a way is found to enable individuals to start talking with each other, even if initially through the mediator with each party in a separate room.  I am always very heartened when people who start attending mediation sesions unable to communicate even by text or email and yet after a couple of mediation sessions are able to agree to disagree about somethings and establish ways of communicating with each other which are mutually acceptable.  Particularly when there are the needs of children to consider it very satisfying to see individuals find a way of coping with any personal emotional factors and find a way of putting  their children top of the agenda.

In my experience even when a situation looks hopeless, the parties cannot communicate with each other and the legal process looks as if it is the only option; it is worth giving mediation a chance.

Life can get complicated for children when their parents separate or divorce.  If there has been tension and arguments leading up to the separation then the first emotion for the children may be one of relief, peace replaces loud angry voices.  Then the realisation that their world changed for ever starts to have an impact on the childrens lives.  Money may be short, the parent they are living with may be sad, angry and unobtainable to the children, and the other parent is not in the home and is only seen from time to time.  Whatever the age of the children they will need their parents to be able to put aside their own feelings, anxieties, anger and sometimes a wish for revenge and put the needs of the children to the top of their agenda.  This can be a difficult route to follow, but in my opinion is the best way in the long run for everyone to move forward in their lives and for the children to have a meaningful relationship with both parents.

Getting the decree absolute is only the start of moving on and however embittered one or both parents may feel, it is in every case worth spending energy on trying to maintain a robust and consistent way of communicating with each other.  It is helpful if the children feel confident that they can express their feelings and wishes about for example, visits to the non resident parent, arrangements for special days, holidays and school events.  It can be very stressful for both parents to be arguing with each other over arrangements for the needs of the children, and in some cases the extended family get involved in the arguments as well. 

It is very important to avoid talking negatively about the other parent with or in front of the children and obviously not fair to ask the children to side with one parent against the other.  Everyone loses out if civilised conversations breakdown between the parents.  Therefore, even when the idea of being able to talk with the ex seems impossible it is worth putting effort behind trying to make it happen.  If you feel that needs outside help then suggest it to the ex; try mediation to see if the apparently impossible goal of respectful interaction between you and your ex can be achieved, everyone particularly the children will benefit if you manage it.

It is important to know what each child feels about possible arrangements for contact etc, but the parents must retain control of the final decisions.  If the children can see that their parents are co-operating with each other about their needs it will give the children peace of mind and confidence that their lives are still secure with two loving and committed parents.

You can do it; have a civilised divorce whether you have children or not, minimising agro reduces the stress of divorce and can help you move on.  Even if you are the one who did not want the divorce, making a commitment to sort out the practicalities in a logical and fair way is worth it.  We can’t make people love us and we can’t be resonsible for the way other’s behave, but we can comtrol how we respond to the situation.

 Marriage is a legal contract so the legal aspect of “undoing” the marriage has to be faced sometime if a divorce is to happen.  However, the legal system does not have to take over the process of your divorce.  You and your soon to be ex partner can arrange most of it yourself.  There are very useful forms available from HMC website, and once you get passed some of the wording they are relatively easy to fill in.  If you feel you need a bit more help to agree matter’s with each other then mediation is both the most civilised and can be the cheapest option.  You both retain control over the what you decide to do with everything related to your marriage.

Once the legal system is invoved in decission making (because you have been unable to agree matters between you) then you lose control over the outcome which may seem unfair to you.  It is much better if you can maintain a dialogue between you and your partner; after all you once shared your life very intimately with them.

Feeling you are the victim and looking for revenge, can be exhausting and in the end the outcome may be unpleasent for you as well as your partner.  Because divorce often involves deep emotions it may be worth waiting a while before starting the process of unpicking your marriage; so that the emotions can be given chance to settle and allow you to think in a clear way about the options available to you.

I have noticed that some individuals who are going through divorce proceedings still struggle to understand that the non-financial contribution to the mariage is given equal weight to the financial contribution when consideration is given to split up the family assets.  In my opinion a marriage or civil partnership is a team, working for the common good of the whole in whatever way is appropriate.  So when a long term relationship ends  the non-financial contribution as well as the needs of any dependent children must be taken into account during the discussions to split the family assets.  Sometimes, if one party is finding it difficult to accept the value of the contribution to “the team” effort by the  other party it helps to cost out childcare, cleaning, organising the household, paying bills etc of the years of the marriage and set that against the possible earnings if the person had been in a full time job outside the home, during the same period of time.  The numbers can be very interesting!

From today, 6th April any person who is thinking of applying for a court order must first consider mediation as a way of finding solutions to thier dispute.  If you are considering separation or divorce proceedings then you will be asked if you are willing to attend a Mediation Information Assessment Meeting (MIAM).  During this meeting the mediator will explore whether mediation can help you reach an agreement.  The mediator can also give you advice on other services that may be able to help you.  There are more details about the MIAMs on Direct Gov www.direct.gov.uk Navigate to the divorce and separation section